My Broken-heart Prevention Plan

I am settling into my new job and can honestly say I am enjoying my work right now. It is a relief to be getting closer to feeling content.
I have been working with street people for close to six years now and I am pretty good at setting boundaries with my clients and not letting work life invade personal life too much. I have met many people with crappy pasts and histories of abuse so not much surprises me anymore when I hear stories and I will always marvel at people's resilience. But my role has changed and I am actually required now to ask people what their story is and abuse is one area I need to address. Oddly enough almost all the clients I have been assessing lately that will be the first subject that will come up and they seem to be longing to have someone to talk to about it. It has actually become a joke for my one coworker and she figures I must be some sort of magnet. I have been busy trying not to cry in front of my clients or to keep my face from looking too horrified.
I am realizing that I am afraid of my own compassion. I know I cannot take on the pain these people have gone through nor should I try to carry the burden. I will need to learn how wide I have to open the door to my heart because I do often choose to close it off so I don't have to deal with it. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about healing He wants to do and is asking for my prayers. I am not a certified counselor and many of these people I need to refer elsewhere but I know they are crossing my path for a reason. So I am finding balance and will probably struggle for a bit figuring out what that should look like.
Currently, I am focusing on maintaining and instilling hope and trusting God to do the heavy lifting. I am calling this my broken-heart prevention plan.

The way I am.

It was Mother's Day this week and I spoke with my fabulous Mother on the phone. She is a really great Mom we are very close and I have never questioned how much she loves me. Our conversation took a bit of an odd turn as we spoke and she ended up apologizing to me for neglecting me when my younger sister was born. I was surprised by this statement and quickly reassured her but she went on to explain that because of my maturity even at a young age she didn't give me a lot of attention and as she told me I was forced to grow up quickly. She even made the statement that I have always been "the grown-up" even when it seemed she wasn't. I told her not to worry and reminded her of how great I turned out but it did get me thinking. I have been thinking about the whole nature vs. nurture concept and why I am the way that I am. I have always been responsible which is an attribute that I like and has worked in my favor but I have come to realize that I tend to take responsibility on unnecessarily almost as if I have to because that is what is expected of me. Normally I don't mind this and am happy to do it. Being a leader and organizing comes naturally and I step into these roles with a level of comfort and confidence.
But lately things have shifted a little. I have been often described as a rock and steady but holding my shit together these past few months has gotten slightly harder. Since I am this rock I often feel as though people rely on me to be that way so I have not been totally honest, except with one friend, about where I am at. Things are not terrible by any means and I am trying to learn from this time in my life. I have been journalling like crazy and God and I have had many conversations on the state of my heart. I am realizing that there are more things I should let go control of and perhaps this need to be responsible is one of them.

Thank-you "The Provincial Archive"

I went to one of the best concerts that I have been to in awhile tonight. Not only was it free of charge but it was held in a unique venue with art on the walls. I got to sit in a comfortable chair next to a friend who I had not seen in a long time who was happily knitting. I got to listen to lovely men perform their beautiful folk music at a volume that was comfortable for my ears. No smoke was ejected into the audience, no flashing lights or intoxicated people pushing up against me. The best part was getting home at 9:45pm. Maybe I am getting old but that is fine with me.