My Broken-heart Prevention Plan

I am settling into my new job and can honestly say I am enjoying my work right now. It is a relief to be getting closer to feeling content.
I have been working with street people for close to six years now and I am pretty good at setting boundaries with my clients and not letting work life invade personal life too much. I have met many people with crappy pasts and histories of abuse so not much surprises me anymore when I hear stories and I will always marvel at people's resilience. But my role has changed and I am actually required now to ask people what their story is and abuse is one area I need to address. Oddly enough almost all the clients I have been assessing lately that will be the first subject that will come up and they seem to be longing to have someone to talk to about it. It has actually become a joke for my one coworker and she figures I must be some sort of magnet. I have been busy trying not to cry in front of my clients or to keep my face from looking too horrified.
I am realizing that I am afraid of my own compassion. I know I cannot take on the pain these people have gone through nor should I try to carry the burden. I will need to learn how wide I have to open the door to my heart because I do often choose to close it off so I don't have to deal with it. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about healing He wants to do and is asking for my prayers. I am not a certified counselor and many of these people I need to refer elsewhere but I know they are crossing my path for a reason. So I am finding balance and will probably struggle for a bit figuring out what that should look like.
Currently, I am focusing on maintaining and instilling hope and trusting God to do the heavy lifting. I am calling this my broken-heart prevention plan.

The way I am.

It was Mother's Day this week and I spoke with my fabulous Mother on the phone. She is a really great Mom we are very close and I have never questioned how much she loves me. Our conversation took a bit of an odd turn as we spoke and she ended up apologizing to me for neglecting me when my younger sister was born. I was surprised by this statement and quickly reassured her but she went on to explain that because of my maturity even at a young age she didn't give me a lot of attention and as she told me I was forced to grow up quickly. She even made the statement that I have always been "the grown-up" even when it seemed she wasn't. I told her not to worry and reminded her of how great I turned out but it did get me thinking. I have been thinking about the whole nature vs. nurture concept and why I am the way that I am. I have always been responsible which is an attribute that I like and has worked in my favor but I have come to realize that I tend to take responsibility on unnecessarily almost as if I have to because that is what is expected of me. Normally I don't mind this and am happy to do it. Being a leader and organizing comes naturally and I step into these roles with a level of comfort and confidence.
But lately things have shifted a little. I have been often described as a rock and steady but holding my shit together these past few months has gotten slightly harder. Since I am this rock I often feel as though people rely on me to be that way so I have not been totally honest, except with one friend, about where I am at. Things are not terrible by any means and I am trying to learn from this time in my life. I have been journalling like crazy and God and I have had many conversations on the state of my heart. I am realizing that there are more things I should let go control of and perhaps this need to be responsible is one of them.

Thank-you "The Provincial Archive"

I went to one of the best concerts that I have been to in awhile tonight. Not only was it free of charge but it was held in a unique venue with art on the walls. I got to sit in a comfortable chair next to a friend who I had not seen in a long time who was happily knitting. I got to listen to lovely men perform their beautiful folk music at a volume that was comfortable for my ears. No smoke was ejected into the audience, no flashing lights or intoxicated people pushing up against me. The best part was getting home at 9:45pm. Maybe I am getting old but that is fine with me.

Another lesson in patience.

Patience is not one of my virtues and because of this it is an area God will often challenge me with. It is definitely what he is working on right now with this new job as I am trying to give myself time to feel comfortable and competent.
But what is even harder for me when learning about patience are matters of the heart. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say I am feeling exhausted lately by something I just can't seem to shake. I have spent many hours, tears and a lot of will-power trying to teach my heart how to behave. When I go to God with it he does give me peace but no answers - his response is to ask me to be patient. Easier said then done. It is reassuring to know that patience is a fruit of the spirit and if I keep asking for more he will provide.

On a totally different note I recently decided to start eating red meat again. It has been easier then I thought it would be but I still don't really enjoy it so rarely do I want to choose to eat it. My goal for this week is to go out somewhere and order a hamburger. So I am open for suggestions of where I should go. I decided it was time. Perhaps when I meet that goal I might be ready to try steak again but don't ask me to eat bacon. I would do anything to raise my iron but I won't do that -oh no I won't do that.

I added a picture of Meatloaf since I stole his lyrics at the end of my entry and I think it is a funny picture. Thanks Meatloaf.

Moving Forward

I have been in my new job for three weeks now. Still do not know what I am doing. I have a general idea of what my new role as a Mental Health Therapist entails but for the most part I am pretty clueless. I believe I am capable of doing a good job of this but it is going to take me some time. It has been a hard transition coming from a place where I knew I was good at what I did, I was the "go to person" and the problem solver. Things are very different now. I am the one asking all the questions and trying to keep up. It is humbling but I am happy to be learning again and challenging myself to be stretched. I have moments where I wonder "what the hell have I done" but that passes and I remember that God led me here and it is where I am suppose to be.
Plus, I now have my first client and he is delightful. He is super crazy and super wonderful. He is why I do what I do. Just as long as I can keep my head above water I know I will be fine.

My heart is heavy today. I found out this week that two different friends of mine are in abusive relationships. The one has been physically abused and is finally talking about it. I had no idea and when she told me her story I couldn't believe what she has had to go through all on her own until fairly recently.
The other friend made a decision to leave her partner and when she told him she was leaving he threatened her life and she had to seek out legal council to protect herself against him.
So last night I helped my first friend pack her house up so she can move out and hopefully sell her house. Then today after work I am going with my second friend, along with a police escort, to try and grab her personal belongings.
I am at a loss. I don't know what to tell these women. All I can do is offer what help I can and pray for them. My one friend I don't understand how bad things always seem to happen to her - it just makes no sense. Why do some people always get the crap kicked out of them?
What I can't stop thinking about this past week is how grateful I am for the men in my life. I don't know what I did to be so blessed but it is reassuring to know that good men do exist.

New Job

I recently decided to take a new job which of course meant I had to quit my current job that I love. It was not an easy decision for me. I was not looking for new employment but this new position came up and I felt an internal nudge and decided I should at least apply. I had actually forgotten about it and was a little relieved not to have to make a tough choice when almost 2 months later I got a call for an interview. I am no longer a part of the nurses' union so my seniority is non-existent so I knew the competition would be tough. But I interviewed and I knew they liked me, my experience was on my side and in the end I got it. It was hard telling my co-workers we really are like family in our small office. I am nervous to start a new path and not looking forward to feeling incompetent for a few months while I adjust. But I am also excited for the challenge and to grow and specialize in the area of mental health which has always been a passion of mine.
I have a client at my current work who has a crush on me and I have tried my best to be extra professional around him and tried often to mention "my boyfriend" in conversations. He heard I was leaving and decided to ask me out because he figured there would no longer be a conflict of interest. But he decided to ask me through my co-worker - what am I in junior high? Awkward. Why is it only the inappropriate men that I seem to attract? Maybe if I actually want to get a date I shouldn't hangout with so many homeless, drug-addicts. Not likely.

Like chocolate and peanut butter...the perfect combination.

Music and walking makes me happy. This morning I discovered a great combination of +1 temperatures, music turned up loud in my headphones and the Black Keys album "Rubber Factory". I have listened to this album before and enjoyed it but the experience has been totally different. I have had it playing in the background or will come across a song radomly but today was different. Today it was like a new discovery and my music loving heart was warm with affection for this perfect combination of factors.
A recent decision I have made means that I can no longer walk to work so I will miss these times but I will have to seek out new ways to find this bliss.

Blue Monday

I turned on the TV this morning and it told me that today is suppose to be the most depressing day of the year. I am not sure how they determined that but Jan 17 has a reputation I suppose and is called "Blue Monday." Seems to fit my mood. I remain sad and despondent - this weekend was probably the worst thus far. So I arrived at work feeling cold and tired to discover that my one co-worker had called in sick.
The shelter is bursting at the seams these days and a wicked flu has descended on the residents it seems that everyone coming in is sick and miserable.
So I have a few moments to sit this afternoon and I have decided that I need to be thankful. There are so many good things in my life and now is the time to remember them when I feel like crawling in a hole and hibernating until my plane leaves for Cancun on Feb 26:)
Things I am thankful for:
1) Cancun where they never have snow
2) The sun that is shining outside the window as I write this
3) My health. I can't even count the number of sick people I have treated over the past couple of weeks - so many flus - and I haven't caught one yet.
4) Awesome friends who care about me
5) Family that loves me and I know I can always count on
6) A home to live in that I love with people that rock
7) A job I really enjoy and great coworkers that are fun to work with
8) Knitting needles and yarn, sewing machine and fabric, my oven and a good cookie recipe
9) Red wine
10) A heavenly Father who has never given up on me

These are just a few and I know I could keep going. These are the things I know I should be focusing on right now. My year anniversary for starting Weight Watchers is next week and that is something I am excited about. I have lost 94lbs so far still have a hard time believing it. I told my friend the other day and it is true this weight loss has been like a dream come true. So happy Blue Monday everyone - try and take some time to be thankful it helps.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8

The girl can't help it

My new thing is knitting. Specifically knitting hats. It has gotten to a place that it feels odd if I am watching a movie or TV and I don't have needles and yarn in my hands. The real problem is that I want to keep everything for myself. The first one I made out of necessity as I did not have a winter hat yet and needed something especially for my morning walks to work. The second is identical to one that I made for my sister and I fell in love with and had to make one for myself. The third hat is one I completed last night and realized I could not part with. So there it is my new obsession. Maybe now I will get around to knitting that "beard" my friend wants me to knit for him.

Almost a New Year

Another Christmas come and gone. Had a nice time at home with the family and yes I did get the flu. Mom and I both thought we were home free and held out for as long as we could be ended up getting sick in the end. I had to drive home to Edmonton the day I was sick - blah and then work the next day - double blah. Oh well there are worse things and I got to enjoy the rest of Christmas so I really shouldn't be complaining.
I cried for the first time in a long time the other day. I mean really cried - sobbing, snotting mess. I don't like crying especially when it is in the presence of another person but I realized it can be important. Sort of a cleansing of the emotional palate. As previously mentioned I have been sad as of late and it actually felt good to cry. I just didn't make the same mistake I have in the past where I would stew in the sadness for a while and listen to music that tore my heart up. Even though it some ways I would have loved to have done that I know it is not the healthy choice - at least not for me. After my melt down I was fortunate to have a two hour drive by myself to process. God and I had a good chat and I decided to hand over some things I have been carrying around with me. I have one pressing thought, one desire that I am clinging too but slowly I am surrendering it. Why do we insist that we know better than He does? Maybe it is just me.
Listening to Bon Iver, drinking wine - lovely way to end a lovely day...

Waiting for the shoe to drop

I am sitting here typing this waiting for the inevitable to happen. I have stared into the face of my future and it isn't pretty. I am home for "Christmas" with my family right now. We are celebrating a week early since my siblings are now married and will be with the in-laws this year. One by one people are coming down with the stomach flu. It started with my one sister and each member of her family got it. They arrived at our parent's place on Saturday the day after the puking stopped and feeling a little frayed around the edges. Sunday morning my sister in-law reports that she has been up vomiting all night. Then my brother soon followed by my youngest sister. Thankfully our house has four bathrooms. So far I feel fine and believe me I have been praying that it won't hit me too especially since tomorrow is "Christmas" morning with lots of fun and food to be had.
We have this tradition in my family that we open up a set of pajamas from our parents on Christmas Eve. Here is a photo of my sister and I wearing our new digs. It was fun this year to be able to fit into the same size as my sister. The other photo is of me and two of my favorite people in the whole world. Life is good.

Please, please, please let me get what I want

This track by "The Smiths" has been rolling around in my head for the past week. I can't seem to shake it. Everytime my thoughts seem to wonder it lands on this song. Along with it I often to Cameron's face from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." You know that scene when he is staring into the painting at the Chicago Art Institute and his eyes are so sad. It breaks my heart a little each time.

Damn this feeling

I am blogging at work. It is a busy morning but I sat down at my computer to chart and Hayden's song "Damn This Feeling" hit me as this nagging sadness settled in again. I don't relate to the song lyrics themselves just the emotion it evokes. I could probably give you a list of reasons why I am sad but none of them really amount to much. I am just carrying around this damn feeling with me these past couple of weeks. I was telling my friends that I don't get sad that often so really I don't mind that I have been lately it is just funny how a general feeling gives you a new perspective on life. So if this post makes you worry about me don't - I really am fine just sad and my joy remains intact.

Doing what is right

I am currently trying to do the right thing. It is what is best. What I should do. The right thing is not always the easy thing. The right thing is a little painful right now and my heart is feeling it. But I guess that is what is required of us from time to time. We do what is right because it benefits someone else and often requires sacrifice. It is not easy to deny our selfish desires and in this moment I want to do what society seems to always be telling me "do what feels right" but where would that get me? Nowhere I want to be. So here I sit and I am deciding to do the right thing. I know I will be grateful in the end and eventually so will my heart.

I am 31 now. 30 was awesome and I am looking forward to what is ahead. Getting older is not so bad.

Epic

I love music. What is it in us that connects with music the way we do? I wonder what all God had in mind when he made us this way. How he decided to give musical talents to some and not others.
I went to see my favorite musical group on Saturday and it was fantastical. Broken Social Scene invaded the stage at the Winspear Center and I could not stop smiling the entire time. A few my favorites (Jason Collett and Amy Milan) where not there but it did not matter. So many artists, so much talent, all on one stage making such beautiful music. Even though I do really love when they are all playing together my favorite moment was when Kevin Drew was on stage alone singing "Lover's Spit" such odd lyrics but it gets to me every time I hear it.

My new favorite album is "Epic" by Sharon Van Etten. A short 7 track albumn but captivating all the same. Her vocals are haunting and lyrics stick with you. Perfect for listening while walking to work on a cool morning, brisk steps, and headphones on. Give it a spin.

On a different note I am still working on becoming a healthier person. I have been a little discouraged lately because the weight loss has slowed down and I seem to keep losing and then gaining back the same two pounds. But I just reread my entry from March and took another look at myself in the mirror and I am stunned at how far I have come. 75lbs later and I can hardly believe it. I am filled with joy as I write this. I honestly did not think this was possible for me. So thanks for the support, thanks Jesus for never giving up on me. Keep moving forward.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It is autumn. I love, LOVE autumn. The air is crisp, the leaves are changing and I get to wear a sweater and no jacket. The river valley right now takes my breath away. It is here and gone so quickly so I am trying to take it all in before it disappears. I bought 2 new sweaters yesterday. I wasn't going to do it but I did and I feel no remorse.

Just three more weeks and I get to enjoy one week of autumn in New York. I am getting giddy. Central Park in fall - now I can finally know what Wayne Newton was singing about.

Let the music play

It is Monday morning and I am at work and exhausted after a full, fun weekend. It was a weekend filled with music and sunshine. It started Friday night around midnight. We were at the Starlite room waiting, waiting, waiting for Wolf Parade to grace us with their presence. I was getting bored and wanting to leave because I had a 6:30am walk-up call getting closer and closer. But at last they came out on stage and they did not disappoint. They were great and it was fun to be able to see up close someone I have admired for a long time. "My Apologize to Queen Mary" is one of my favorite albums and I was happy to finally see them live.
I headed to bed around 2am and then was awake with my alarm to get on the road to Calgary. It was the folk festival and I was soon going be seeing Dan Mangan an adorable man from Vancouver that I adore. Now I love Edmonton, it is my home and the folk festival here is terrific but the venue at Calgary is better. It is at Prince's Island Park next to the river and with trees all around. It was a gorgeous weekend and I was so thankful for the shade that the trees provided. I had a great time being introduced to new artists and enjoying those I already know and love.
I made it home last night just after midnight and today I am longing to go back to bed but it was worth it.

Photograph shows the highlight of my weekend, Dan Mangan.

The journey continues.

It is summer. Right now is my favorite time of year. Not because of the warm weather nor the garden in my backyard in full bloom. These are great things but not the object of my greatest affection. Tis the season of "Shakespeare in the Park". This year in particular is wonderful because they are doing two of my favorite Shakespeare plays "Macbeth" and "Much Ado About Nothing". I confessed to a couple of friends the other day that a reason one of my crushes ended was because he didn't enjoy Shakespeare. I admit I was looking for reasons to stop liking him but this is a serious offense in my books. What could be better than summer, live theatre, a beautiful park, some of Edmonton's best theatrical talent, and Shakespeare?!? So there is one week left and if you haven't seen it yet you really should. I saw Much Ado for the second time today and tomorrow is my encore performance of Macbeth.
So I have now lost 55lbs. It is a little surreal. It has been hard at times but I am so grateful for the support I have had and the strength God continues to give me. I also went to the doctor for the first time in many years. This new found respect I have for my body is an eye opener.

Yesterday was my first swim. I really did enjoy being in the water and trying to remember the few skills I did learn back in the day. It didn't take me long before I got winded and my arms are sore today. If only swimming didn't come with all the inconveniences of the public change room, getting wet and wearing a bathing suit. I am going to give it an honest try. I bought a month membership and I am going to go at least twice a week if not three. I just need to figure out a routine now and make it part of my life so it doesn't feel awkward. 25lbs and counting.

I have been feeling restless lately, hard to explain and parts of it I don't want to get into. I am thankful to be going on vacation soon so I can escape for a while. Well it is the start of a new day and I should get to work.