Walked up and hit a nerve.

Today's honorable mention goes to Jenn Grant and her album "Honeymoon Punch." This album is fun! I admit I get overwhelmed with the amount of music that I consume. I have a subscription to eMusic where I get 40 downloads every month and I always have new stuff to listen to. I downloaded this album when it was first released and them promptly forgot about it.
It was not until a few months later when I heard one of the tracks on the radio that I remembered I had not given it a listen yet. As soon as I started playing it I couldn't get enough. I enjoy playing this loud and dancing around my kitchen while I am cooking for doing dishes. Jen Grant is adorable and so is this album.

Oh the unspeakable things.

The next album is a band I discovered at the Calgary Folk Festival this year. On stage I didn't find then that engaging but her voice got me hooked. I admit I don't love this album in its entirety but there are a few tracks I have listened to over and over again. My favorite is "Daydreaming" and it still pulls at my heartsrings.
The band is" Dark, Dark, Dark" and the album "Wild Go". For the first few weeks I couldn't get past the first two tracks as I kept playing them over and over. It was fun to discover the rest of the album when I finally listened through it.

You're gonna love me soon.

My next album was one that caught me by surprise. It is by a band I have never heard of and not the style of music I am use to enjoying. I stumbled upon it when I was surfing eMusic and it may be the the album that I listened to most often this year. The band is called "Yellow Ostrich" and the album "The Mistress". This album is simple and honest. I can't even really tell you what I love about it so much and I am not convinced others will think as highly of it as I do. All I know is I keep coming back for more.

Album #2 in no particular order

Next up is Destroyer. I admit it took me a little while to warm up to this guy. You may know Dan Bejara aka Destroyer as the guitarist from The New Pornographers. I have one of his older albums that I never got into. I didn't give him much of a chance because I could not get past his voice. Even watching him live I was disappointed because he seemed disinterested and to be totally honest high as a kite.

But I got hooked on his newest album "Kaputt". "Kaputt" is fabulous and has made me a Destroyer fan. It has a jazz feel and makes me want to smoke cigarettes but don't worry I won't. Few albums have the cohesion found in "Kaputt". Eventually his voice grew on me and really suits the music found on this album. I loved this album so much I was even willing to spend an evening at the Starlight room so I could see him perform.

Happy 2012

I have enjoyed blogging about music in the past so I thought I would do that again. Miranda, do you still read this? I figure at least you would appreciate it.

I decided for the next week I will list albums that had a major impact on me in 2011. They did not necessarily come out this year but I discovered and loved them this year.

I will begin my list with Feist. I think Leslie Feist is incredible. She started her career playing in a punk band and screaming into a microphone and actually ended up getting surgery to repair her vocal cords. She was a part of my favorite band "Broken Social Scene" for awhile and that is when I discovered how awesome she was. I was delighted when she started to release her solo work. I did not realize she would become a pop sensation when she released "The Reminder" and started playing venues like Rexall. I admit I did not see her perform when she was in Edmonton and played at Rexall. I really love Feist but I really hate listening to artists I love at Rexall. I respect her for taking her time to release a follow-up album and in my opinion "Metals" is her best yet.

If you haven't heard it yet you really should. I have listened to this album numerous times since its release and I continue to fall in love with a different track each time.

Autumn's Here

I love autumn. I am sitting here yet again wondering why I live in a place where autumn comes and goes in the blink of an eye. The air is crisp and I love the mornings when you can see your breath but still warm enough to wear a sweater with not jacket. Yes there is something a little melancholy and lonley about autumn but the changing leaves and how they fall so lightly from tree limbs warms my heart. Plus it means that I can listen to Hawksley Workman's "Autumn's Here" on repeat and smile and perhaps shed a tear or two. So don't be sad that winter is just around the corner - go out take a walk - marvel at the river valley. Autumn's here!

Here I Raise Mine Ebenezer

I have always loved the hymn "Come Thou Fount." One of the lines from it states "Here I raise my Ebenezer hither by thine help I'm come." This line I always sang but never really thought about before. In 1 Samuel chapter 7 Samuel sets up a stone which he calls an Ebenezer as a reminder of how God helped them defeat the Philistines. Recently, I was at church on a Sunday morning and we were encouraged to ask God what Ebenezer we needed to build to remind us of God's faithfulness. Instantly I knew what I needed to do. I have been thinking about quilting lately and how I miss it and how is was a way I really enjoyed spending time with God. On that Sunday morning I knew my Ebenezer was to be a quilt. I went home and looked at fabric online for hours and dreamt of what I would create. God has really good timing because shortly after I put my order in I had a few really sad days full of heartache and tears. My heart is doing a little better thanks to the help of some amazing friends and now with the arrival of my fabric I can begin to construct my Ebenezer which will always remind me of how God has always been my "stone of help".
This photo depicts my quilt in its very early stages and shows a few of the squares I have made. I am excited for what it is to become and for my heart to do a little healing in the process.

I really love Edmonton. Yes, there are things that I would change for example I would make autumn a lot longer and winter a little shorter but overall we have a great city.
Oddly enough one of my favortie things is that addresses make sense to me. Unless of course it is in Millwoods but we won't talk about that. This morning a woman stopped me on the street asking for directions and because our city is set up like a grid I could tell her exactly where to go and even knew which side of the street it would be on because the address was an even number. One of the many reasons I am happy to be an Edmontonian.

The Wonder Years

I spent last evening with three women I really love. I grew up with them and they are a part of me. We pulled out some old videos from the days when we they lived together, I was always over, and we were in a constant state of hanging out. Angie had purchased a video camera and decided it was a good idea to film us doing everything. She was right. Those days going to University and spending all of our free time together were the best of my life. I loved watching the videos but it was also hard. It gave me a pain in my heart longing to go back and wishing things had not changed. But things do change and people move on and get married, move away, become parents. Life happens and there is no point clinging to the past. My life now is pretty awesome and I am happy to be older, wiser and (I must include) thinner. I am still friends with these amazing people and even though I do not get to see them as often as I would like I know they are always there. I am looking forward to watching more of these videos and continuing to laugh my ass off. We have made a promise to start filming ourselves again doing awesome things so if you receive a prank phone call in the near future...it wasn't us.

Ain't that lonely yet

I am not the kind of girl that turns heads. I am not an obvious pretty and I am fine with that. So when I do turn the occasional head it throws me off guard. I was heading to Starbucks the other day to enjoy an iced beverage when I noticed a guy checking me out. When I exited the store he was still standing there. As I walked past he said " Wow. How are you doing?" Okay, nothing offensive but really how should I respond to this? Needless to say I kept walking. Men this is not the way to start a meaningful relationship. Honestly, not sure what would have made his quest a successful one but a smile and a polite hello would probably have been a good start.
Hanging out in Regina this weekend for the folk festival and having a lovely time. The smaller city has a certain appeal to it. Summer is moving along far too quickly but I am loving it. Wishing I did not have to work so I could enjoy it even more but the irony of the situation is I need to work to afford the enjoyment.

Rain, Mosquitoes and Shakepeare oh my!

It is my favorite time of year. Shakespeare is going on in the Park. Despite the rain and mosquitoes I have already been 3 times and I am scheduled to go twice more this weekend.
This year is "Twelfth Night" and "Othello". It is great to see John Kirkpatrick have a predominate role again on the stage - he is my local celebrity crush. The past few years he has been directing, which I have really enjoyed, but to see him act again is a thrill.
My favorite part of Shakespeare this season has been seeing John Ulyatt bring "Iago" to life. I think Iago is Shakespeare's best villain. Many of the villains in Shakespeare are either decent guys who make really bad choices or whiny jerks like Don John in "Much Ado About Nothing". But Iago is a different breed of villain. Iago is a master of manipulation and has an uncanny ability to plant seeds into people's minds which grow jealousy, doubt and anger. In this day and age he would probably get diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and end up on my caseload. John Ulyatt does an amazing job and really does the character justice. I am already excited to watch him again tomorrow.
So if you haven't been yet to the park you really should go. The last show is July 24.

Hope for Dancing.

My client has the best name. It would be unethical of me to write on here what his name is but believe me when I say he has the best name. I will tell you that it has the word "Dancing" in it. I know for a fact that I would be a cooler person if my name had the word Dancing in it.
Unfortunately, Dancing is not at his healthiest these days. He believes that Satan speaks to him and with some of the terrible things I have heard him repeat about himself I would not be surprised if in fact Satan did speak to him or one of his filthy minions. But there is hope for Dancing. Despite taking off twice and stopping his medications he has returned both times. I saw him smile the other day and his insight is beginning to take form once again. Fingers crossed he will be around when I go to pick him up for his doctor's appointment today.
Speaking of dancing I get to participate in one in 3 days. The dance I speak of will take place at me grandmother's 80th birthday party. 80th birthday sounds lame right? Well you haven't met my family. We can get a little crazy and we don't even need a lot of liquor to do it. Yes, we are a little strange but I would not change it. I am thinking of changing my name to Dancing.

Change is gonna do me good.

I am beginning to wonder if this change in me lately is permanent. As previously mentioned sad is my default these days. Last week I had a panic moment when I asked myself "Am I still funny?" This was a serious concern for me as I pride myself in being funny and being able to get a good laugh out of people. I reassured myself that yes I still have my funny moments they perhaps aren't as frequent as before. It is strange for me being among great friends and needing to leave because I am so far removed from the situation in my mind I need to escape it.
I do not want you to worry about me as I really am fine. I think that so much change happened in my life all at one time I am just now trying to catch up with myself. I am also realizing that I asked for this. I told God that I wanted him to use me more to pray and intercede for people. I know a lot of this is me responding to the hurt in others and this has a lot to do with my clients.
Yesterday, I met a women who had lost her son at age 28 to cancer. I know this is the story for many people but I got to meet this woman and see her pain and it really affected me. There is a lot of pain in this world and it can be overwhelming for me but I think God knew that I would be okay because I have always been an ambassador of hope. I am optimistic person who sees the glass as half full and knows that God is GOOD. As I write this my faith is churning and even if this change in me is here to stay perhaps it will be for the best.

Typical Sunday Night

It is another Sunday night where I am putting off going to bed. I can hardly keep my head up and I am doing nothing of importance but sleeping means that it will soon be Monday. Weekends are over way too quickly and this was no exception. I went to Sexsmith with my youngest sister to visit out middle sister and her family. It was a relaxing weekend and I got to spend time with my niece and nephew which I always love. I have a pretty terrific family and today I am especially thankful for them. If it only it wasn't Sunday night and tomorrow was not Monday morning...

My Broken-heart Prevention Plan

I am settling into my new job and can honestly say I am enjoying my work right now. It is a relief to be getting closer to feeling content.
I have been working with street people for close to six years now and I am pretty good at setting boundaries with my clients and not letting work life invade personal life too much. I have met many people with crappy pasts and histories of abuse so not much surprises me anymore when I hear stories and I will always marvel at people's resilience. But my role has changed and I am actually required now to ask people what their story is and abuse is one area I need to address. Oddly enough almost all the clients I have been assessing lately that will be the first subject that will come up and they seem to be longing to have someone to talk to about it. It has actually become a joke for my one coworker and she figures I must be some sort of magnet. I have been busy trying not to cry in front of my clients or to keep my face from looking too horrified.
I am realizing that I am afraid of my own compassion. I know I cannot take on the pain these people have gone through nor should I try to carry the burden. I will need to learn how wide I have to open the door to my heart because I do often choose to close it off so I don't have to deal with it. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about healing He wants to do and is asking for my prayers. I am not a certified counselor and many of these people I need to refer elsewhere but I know they are crossing my path for a reason. So I am finding balance and will probably struggle for a bit figuring out what that should look like.
Currently, I am focusing on maintaining and instilling hope and trusting God to do the heavy lifting. I am calling this my broken-heart prevention plan.

The way I am.

It was Mother's Day this week and I spoke with my fabulous Mother on the phone. She is a really great Mom we are very close and I have never questioned how much she loves me. Our conversation took a bit of an odd turn as we spoke and she ended up apologizing to me for neglecting me when my younger sister was born. I was surprised by this statement and quickly reassured her but she went on to explain that because of my maturity even at a young age she didn't give me a lot of attention and as she told me I was forced to grow up quickly. She even made the statement that I have always been "the grown-up" even when it seemed she wasn't. I told her not to worry and reminded her of how great I turned out but it did get me thinking. I have been thinking about the whole nature vs. nurture concept and why I am the way that I am. I have always been responsible which is an attribute that I like and has worked in my favor but I have come to realize that I tend to take responsibility on unnecessarily almost as if I have to because that is what is expected of me. Normally I don't mind this and am happy to do it. Being a leader and organizing comes naturally and I step into these roles with a level of comfort and confidence.
But lately things have shifted a little. I have been often described as a rock and steady but holding my shit together these past few months has gotten slightly harder. Since I am this rock I often feel as though people rely on me to be that way so I have not been totally honest, except with one friend, about where I am at. Things are not terrible by any means and I am trying to learn from this time in my life. I have been journalling like crazy and God and I have had many conversations on the state of my heart. I am realizing that there are more things I should let go control of and perhaps this need to be responsible is one of them.

Thank-you "The Provincial Archive"

I went to one of the best concerts that I have been to in awhile tonight. Not only was it free of charge but it was held in a unique venue with art on the walls. I got to sit in a comfortable chair next to a friend who I had not seen in a long time who was happily knitting. I got to listen to lovely men perform their beautiful folk music at a volume that was comfortable for my ears. No smoke was ejected into the audience, no flashing lights or intoxicated people pushing up against me. The best part was getting home at 9:45pm. Maybe I am getting old but that is fine with me.

Another lesson in patience.

Patience is not one of my virtues and because of this it is an area God will often challenge me with. It is definitely what he is working on right now with this new job as I am trying to give myself time to feel comfortable and competent.
But what is even harder for me when learning about patience are matters of the heart. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say I am feeling exhausted lately by something I just can't seem to shake. I have spent many hours, tears and a lot of will-power trying to teach my heart how to behave. When I go to God with it he does give me peace but no answers - his response is to ask me to be patient. Easier said then done. It is reassuring to know that patience is a fruit of the spirit and if I keep asking for more he will provide.

On a totally different note I recently decided to start eating red meat again. It has been easier then I thought it would be but I still don't really enjoy it so rarely do I want to choose to eat it. My goal for this week is to go out somewhere and order a hamburger. So I am open for suggestions of where I should go. I decided it was time. Perhaps when I meet that goal I might be ready to try steak again but don't ask me to eat bacon. I would do anything to raise my iron but I won't do that -oh no I won't do that.

I added a picture of Meatloaf since I stole his lyrics at the end of my entry and I think it is a funny picture. Thanks Meatloaf.

Moving Forward

I have been in my new job for three weeks now. Still do not know what I am doing. I have a general idea of what my new role as a Mental Health Therapist entails but for the most part I am pretty clueless. I believe I am capable of doing a good job of this but it is going to take me some time. It has been a hard transition coming from a place where I knew I was good at what I did, I was the "go to person" and the problem solver. Things are very different now. I am the one asking all the questions and trying to keep up. It is humbling but I am happy to be learning again and challenging myself to be stretched. I have moments where I wonder "what the hell have I done" but that passes and I remember that God led me here and it is where I am suppose to be.
Plus, I now have my first client and he is delightful. He is super crazy and super wonderful. He is why I do what I do. Just as long as I can keep my head above water I know I will be fine.

My heart is heavy today. I found out this week that two different friends of mine are in abusive relationships. The one has been physically abused and is finally talking about it. I had no idea and when she told me her story I couldn't believe what she has had to go through all on her own until fairly recently.
The other friend made a decision to leave her partner and when she told him she was leaving he threatened her life and she had to seek out legal council to protect herself against him.
So last night I helped my first friend pack her house up so she can move out and hopefully sell her house. Then today after work I am going with my second friend, along with a police escort, to try and grab her personal belongings.
I am at a loss. I don't know what to tell these women. All I can do is offer what help I can and pray for them. My one friend I don't understand how bad things always seem to happen to her - it just makes no sense. Why do some people always get the crap kicked out of them?
What I can't stop thinking about this past week is how grateful I am for the men in my life. I don't know what I did to be so blessed but it is reassuring to know that good men do exist.