I really love Edmonton. Yes, there are things that I would change for example I would make autumn a lot longer and winter a little shorter but overall we have a great city.
Oddly enough one of my favortie things is that addresses make sense to me. Unless of course it is in Millwoods but we won't talk about that. This morning a woman stopped me on the street asking for directions and because our city is set up like a grid I could tell her exactly where to go and even knew which side of the street it would be on because the address was an even number. One of the many reasons I am happy to be an Edmontonian.

The Wonder Years

I spent last evening with three women I really love. I grew up with them and they are a part of me. We pulled out some old videos from the days when we they lived together, I was always over, and we were in a constant state of hanging out. Angie had purchased a video camera and decided it was a good idea to film us doing everything. She was right. Those days going to University and spending all of our free time together were the best of my life. I loved watching the videos but it was also hard. It gave me a pain in my heart longing to go back and wishing things had not changed. But things do change and people move on and get married, move away, become parents. Life happens and there is no point clinging to the past. My life now is pretty awesome and I am happy to be older, wiser and (I must include) thinner. I am still friends with these amazing people and even though I do not get to see them as often as I would like I know they are always there. I am looking forward to watching more of these videos and continuing to laugh my ass off. We have made a promise to start filming ourselves again doing awesome things so if you receive a prank phone call in the near future...it wasn't us.

Ain't that lonely yet

I am not the kind of girl that turns heads. I am not an obvious pretty and I am fine with that. So when I do turn the occasional head it throws me off guard. I was heading to Starbucks the other day to enjoy an iced beverage when I noticed a guy checking me out. When I exited the store he was still standing there. As I walked past he said " Wow. How are you doing?" Okay, nothing offensive but really how should I respond to this? Needless to say I kept walking. Men this is not the way to start a meaningful relationship. Honestly, not sure what would have made his quest a successful one but a smile and a polite hello would probably have been a good start.
Hanging out in Regina this weekend for the folk festival and having a lovely time. The smaller city has a certain appeal to it. Summer is moving along far too quickly but I am loving it. Wishing I did not have to work so I could enjoy it even more but the irony of the situation is I need to work to afford the enjoyment.

Rain, Mosquitoes and Shakepeare oh my!

It is my favorite time of year. Shakespeare is going on in the Park. Despite the rain and mosquitoes I have already been 3 times and I am scheduled to go twice more this weekend.
This year is "Twelfth Night" and "Othello". It is great to see John Kirkpatrick have a predominate role again on the stage - he is my local celebrity crush. The past few years he has been directing, which I have really enjoyed, but to see him act again is a thrill.
My favorite part of Shakespeare this season has been seeing John Ulyatt bring "Iago" to life. I think Iago is Shakespeare's best villain. Many of the villains in Shakespeare are either decent guys who make really bad choices or whiny jerks like Don John in "Much Ado About Nothing". But Iago is a different breed of villain. Iago is a master of manipulation and has an uncanny ability to plant seeds into people's minds which grow jealousy, doubt and anger. In this day and age he would probably get diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and end up on my caseload. John Ulyatt does an amazing job and really does the character justice. I am already excited to watch him again tomorrow.
So if you haven't been yet to the park you really should go. The last show is July 24.

Hope for Dancing.

My client has the best name. It would be unethical of me to write on here what his name is but believe me when I say he has the best name. I will tell you that it has the word "Dancing" in it. I know for a fact that I would be a cooler person if my name had the word Dancing in it.
Unfortunately, Dancing is not at his healthiest these days. He believes that Satan speaks to him and with some of the terrible things I have heard him repeat about himself I would not be surprised if in fact Satan did speak to him or one of his filthy minions. But there is hope for Dancing. Despite taking off twice and stopping his medications he has returned both times. I saw him smile the other day and his insight is beginning to take form once again. Fingers crossed he will be around when I go to pick him up for his doctor's appointment today.
Speaking of dancing I get to participate in one in 3 days. The dance I speak of will take place at me grandmother's 80th birthday party. 80th birthday sounds lame right? Well you haven't met my family. We can get a little crazy and we don't even need a lot of liquor to do it. Yes, we are a little strange but I would not change it. I am thinking of changing my name to Dancing.

Change is gonna do me good.

I am beginning to wonder if this change in me lately is permanent. As previously mentioned sad is my default these days. Last week I had a panic moment when I asked myself "Am I still funny?" This was a serious concern for me as I pride myself in being funny and being able to get a good laugh out of people. I reassured myself that yes I still have my funny moments they perhaps aren't as frequent as before. It is strange for me being among great friends and needing to leave because I am so far removed from the situation in my mind I need to escape it.
I do not want you to worry about me as I really am fine. I think that so much change happened in my life all at one time I am just now trying to catch up with myself. I am also realizing that I asked for this. I told God that I wanted him to use me more to pray and intercede for people. I know a lot of this is me responding to the hurt in others and this has a lot to do with my clients.
Yesterday, I met a women who had lost her son at age 28 to cancer. I know this is the story for many people but I got to meet this woman and see her pain and it really affected me. There is a lot of pain in this world and it can be overwhelming for me but I think God knew that I would be okay because I have always been an ambassador of hope. I am optimistic person who sees the glass as half full and knows that God is GOOD. As I write this my faith is churning and even if this change in me is here to stay perhaps it will be for the best.

Typical Sunday Night

It is another Sunday night where I am putting off going to bed. I can hardly keep my head up and I am doing nothing of importance but sleeping means that it will soon be Monday. Weekends are over way too quickly and this was no exception. I went to Sexsmith with my youngest sister to visit out middle sister and her family. It was a relaxing weekend and I got to spend time with my niece and nephew which I always love. I have a pretty terrific family and today I am especially thankful for them. If it only it wasn't Sunday night and tomorrow was not Monday morning...

My Broken-heart Prevention Plan

I am settling into my new job and can honestly say I am enjoying my work right now. It is a relief to be getting closer to feeling content.
I have been working with street people for close to six years now and I am pretty good at setting boundaries with my clients and not letting work life invade personal life too much. I have met many people with crappy pasts and histories of abuse so not much surprises me anymore when I hear stories and I will always marvel at people's resilience. But my role has changed and I am actually required now to ask people what their story is and abuse is one area I need to address. Oddly enough almost all the clients I have been assessing lately that will be the first subject that will come up and they seem to be longing to have someone to talk to about it. It has actually become a joke for my one coworker and she figures I must be some sort of magnet. I have been busy trying not to cry in front of my clients or to keep my face from looking too horrified.
I am realizing that I am afraid of my own compassion. I know I cannot take on the pain these people have gone through nor should I try to carry the burden. I will need to learn how wide I have to open the door to my heart because I do often choose to close it off so I don't have to deal with it. God has been speaking to me pretty clearly about healing He wants to do and is asking for my prayers. I am not a certified counselor and many of these people I need to refer elsewhere but I know they are crossing my path for a reason. So I am finding balance and will probably struggle for a bit figuring out what that should look like.
Currently, I am focusing on maintaining and instilling hope and trusting God to do the heavy lifting. I am calling this my broken-heart prevention plan.

The way I am.

It was Mother's Day this week and I spoke with my fabulous Mother on the phone. She is a really great Mom we are very close and I have never questioned how much she loves me. Our conversation took a bit of an odd turn as we spoke and she ended up apologizing to me for neglecting me when my younger sister was born. I was surprised by this statement and quickly reassured her but she went on to explain that because of my maturity even at a young age she didn't give me a lot of attention and as she told me I was forced to grow up quickly. She even made the statement that I have always been "the grown-up" even when it seemed she wasn't. I told her not to worry and reminded her of how great I turned out but it did get me thinking. I have been thinking about the whole nature vs. nurture concept and why I am the way that I am. I have always been responsible which is an attribute that I like and has worked in my favor but I have come to realize that I tend to take responsibility on unnecessarily almost as if I have to because that is what is expected of me. Normally I don't mind this and am happy to do it. Being a leader and organizing comes naturally and I step into these roles with a level of comfort and confidence.
But lately things have shifted a little. I have been often described as a rock and steady but holding my shit together these past few months has gotten slightly harder. Since I am this rock I often feel as though people rely on me to be that way so I have not been totally honest, except with one friend, about where I am at. Things are not terrible by any means and I am trying to learn from this time in my life. I have been journalling like crazy and God and I have had many conversations on the state of my heart. I am realizing that there are more things I should let go control of and perhaps this need to be responsible is one of them.

Thank-you "The Provincial Archive"

I went to one of the best concerts that I have been to in awhile tonight. Not only was it free of charge but it was held in a unique venue with art on the walls. I got to sit in a comfortable chair next to a friend who I had not seen in a long time who was happily knitting. I got to listen to lovely men perform their beautiful folk music at a volume that was comfortable for my ears. No smoke was ejected into the audience, no flashing lights or intoxicated people pushing up against me. The best part was getting home at 9:45pm. Maybe I am getting old but that is fine with me.

Another lesson in patience.

Patience is not one of my virtues and because of this it is an area God will often challenge me with. It is definitely what he is working on right now with this new job as I am trying to give myself time to feel comfortable and competent.
But what is even harder for me when learning about patience are matters of the heart. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say I am feeling exhausted lately by something I just can't seem to shake. I have spent many hours, tears and a lot of will-power trying to teach my heart how to behave. When I go to God with it he does give me peace but no answers - his response is to ask me to be patient. Easier said then done. It is reassuring to know that patience is a fruit of the spirit and if I keep asking for more he will provide.

On a totally different note I recently decided to start eating red meat again. It has been easier then I thought it would be but I still don't really enjoy it so rarely do I want to choose to eat it. My goal for this week is to go out somewhere and order a hamburger. So I am open for suggestions of where I should go. I decided it was time. Perhaps when I meet that goal I might be ready to try steak again but don't ask me to eat bacon. I would do anything to raise my iron but I won't do that -oh no I won't do that.

I added a picture of Meatloaf since I stole his lyrics at the end of my entry and I think it is a funny picture. Thanks Meatloaf.

Moving Forward

I have been in my new job for three weeks now. Still do not know what I am doing. I have a general idea of what my new role as a Mental Health Therapist entails but for the most part I am pretty clueless. I believe I am capable of doing a good job of this but it is going to take me some time. It has been a hard transition coming from a place where I knew I was good at what I did, I was the "go to person" and the problem solver. Things are very different now. I am the one asking all the questions and trying to keep up. It is humbling but I am happy to be learning again and challenging myself to be stretched. I have moments where I wonder "what the hell have I done" but that passes and I remember that God led me here and it is where I am suppose to be.
Plus, I now have my first client and he is delightful. He is super crazy and super wonderful. He is why I do what I do. Just as long as I can keep my head above water I know I will be fine.

My heart is heavy today. I found out this week that two different friends of mine are in abusive relationships. The one has been physically abused and is finally talking about it. I had no idea and when she told me her story I couldn't believe what she has had to go through all on her own until fairly recently.
The other friend made a decision to leave her partner and when she told him she was leaving he threatened her life and she had to seek out legal council to protect herself against him.
So last night I helped my first friend pack her house up so she can move out and hopefully sell her house. Then today after work I am going with my second friend, along with a police escort, to try and grab her personal belongings.
I am at a loss. I don't know what to tell these women. All I can do is offer what help I can and pray for them. My one friend I don't understand how bad things always seem to happen to her - it just makes no sense. Why do some people always get the crap kicked out of them?
What I can't stop thinking about this past week is how grateful I am for the men in my life. I don't know what I did to be so blessed but it is reassuring to know that good men do exist.

New Job

I recently decided to take a new job which of course meant I had to quit my current job that I love. It was not an easy decision for me. I was not looking for new employment but this new position came up and I felt an internal nudge and decided I should at least apply. I had actually forgotten about it and was a little relieved not to have to make a tough choice when almost 2 months later I got a call for an interview. I am no longer a part of the nurses' union so my seniority is non-existent so I knew the competition would be tough. But I interviewed and I knew they liked me, my experience was on my side and in the end I got it. It was hard telling my co-workers we really are like family in our small office. I am nervous to start a new path and not looking forward to feeling incompetent for a few months while I adjust. But I am also excited for the challenge and to grow and specialize in the area of mental health which has always been a passion of mine.
I have a client at my current work who has a crush on me and I have tried my best to be extra professional around him and tried often to mention "my boyfriend" in conversations. He heard I was leaving and decided to ask me out because he figured there would no longer be a conflict of interest. But he decided to ask me through my co-worker - what am I in junior high? Awkward. Why is it only the inappropriate men that I seem to attract? Maybe if I actually want to get a date I shouldn't hangout with so many homeless, drug-addicts. Not likely.

Like chocolate and peanut butter...the perfect combination.

Music and walking makes me happy. This morning I discovered a great combination of +1 temperatures, music turned up loud in my headphones and the Black Keys album "Rubber Factory". I have listened to this album before and enjoyed it but the experience has been totally different. I have had it playing in the background or will come across a song radomly but today was different. Today it was like a new discovery and my music loving heart was warm with affection for this perfect combination of factors.
A recent decision I have made means that I can no longer walk to work so I will miss these times but I will have to seek out new ways to find this bliss.

Blue Monday

I turned on the TV this morning and it told me that today is suppose to be the most depressing day of the year. I am not sure how they determined that but Jan 17 has a reputation I suppose and is called "Blue Monday." Seems to fit my mood. I remain sad and despondent - this weekend was probably the worst thus far. So I arrived at work feeling cold and tired to discover that my one co-worker had called in sick.
The shelter is bursting at the seams these days and a wicked flu has descended on the residents it seems that everyone coming in is sick and miserable.
So I have a few moments to sit this afternoon and I have decided that I need to be thankful. There are so many good things in my life and now is the time to remember them when I feel like crawling in a hole and hibernating until my plane leaves for Cancun on Feb 26:)
Things I am thankful for:
1) Cancun where they never have snow
2) The sun that is shining outside the window as I write this
3) My health. I can't even count the number of sick people I have treated over the past couple of weeks - so many flus - and I haven't caught one yet.
4) Awesome friends who care about me
5) Family that loves me and I know I can always count on
6) A home to live in that I love with people that rock
7) A job I really enjoy and great coworkers that are fun to work with
8) Knitting needles and yarn, sewing machine and fabric, my oven and a good cookie recipe
9) Red wine
10) A heavenly Father who has never given up on me

These are just a few and I know I could keep going. These are the things I know I should be focusing on right now. My year anniversary for starting Weight Watchers is next week and that is something I am excited about. I have lost 94lbs so far still have a hard time believing it. I told my friend the other day and it is true this weight loss has been like a dream come true. So happy Blue Monday everyone - try and take some time to be thankful it helps.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8

The girl can't help it

My new thing is knitting. Specifically knitting hats. It has gotten to a place that it feels odd if I am watching a movie or TV and I don't have needles and yarn in my hands. The real problem is that I want to keep everything for myself. The first one I made out of necessity as I did not have a winter hat yet and needed something especially for my morning walks to work. The second is identical to one that I made for my sister and I fell in love with and had to make one for myself. The third hat is one I completed last night and realized I could not part with. So there it is my new obsession. Maybe now I will get around to knitting that "beard" my friend wants me to knit for him.

Almost a New Year

Another Christmas come and gone. Had a nice time at home with the family and yes I did get the flu. Mom and I both thought we were home free and held out for as long as we could be ended up getting sick in the end. I had to drive home to Edmonton the day I was sick - blah and then work the next day - double blah. Oh well there are worse things and I got to enjoy the rest of Christmas so I really shouldn't be complaining.
I cried for the first time in a long time the other day. I mean really cried - sobbing, snotting mess. I don't like crying especially when it is in the presence of another person but I realized it can be important. Sort of a cleansing of the emotional palate. As previously mentioned I have been sad as of late and it actually felt good to cry. I just didn't make the same mistake I have in the past where I would stew in the sadness for a while and listen to music that tore my heart up. Even though it some ways I would have loved to have done that I know it is not the healthy choice - at least not for me. After my melt down I was fortunate to have a two hour drive by myself to process. God and I had a good chat and I decided to hand over some things I have been carrying around with me. I have one pressing thought, one desire that I am clinging too but slowly I am surrendering it. Why do we insist that we know better than He does? Maybe it is just me.
Listening to Bon Iver, drinking wine - lovely way to end a lovely day...

Waiting for the shoe to drop

I am sitting here typing this waiting for the inevitable to happen. I have stared into the face of my future and it isn't pretty. I am home for "Christmas" with my family right now. We are celebrating a week early since my siblings are now married and will be with the in-laws this year. One by one people are coming down with the stomach flu. It started with my one sister and each member of her family got it. They arrived at our parent's place on Saturday the day after the puking stopped and feeling a little frayed around the edges. Sunday morning my sister in-law reports that she has been up vomiting all night. Then my brother soon followed by my youngest sister. Thankfully our house has four bathrooms. So far I feel fine and believe me I have been praying that it won't hit me too especially since tomorrow is "Christmas" morning with lots of fun and food to be had.
We have this tradition in my family that we open up a set of pajamas from our parents on Christmas Eve. Here is a photo of my sister and I wearing our new digs. It was fun this year to be able to fit into the same size as my sister. The other photo is of me and two of my favorite people in the whole world. Life is good.

Please, please, please let me get what I want

This track by "The Smiths" has been rolling around in my head for the past week. I can't seem to shake it. Everytime my thoughts seem to wonder it lands on this song. Along with it I often to Cameron's face from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." You know that scene when he is staring into the painting at the Chicago Art Institute and his eyes are so sad. It breaks my heart a little each time.